Somewhere Along The Way
by Richi03
Summary: A collection of oneshots about different characters on the show. R&R. It's been a while, but I finally got another one written. Let me know what ya'll think :
1. Disease

_**Disclaimer:**I do not own Degrassi._

_Massively random I know. For whatever reason I couldn't get it out of my head, lol. Let me know what you guys think.  
_

* * *

_Weakness is an attribute I hate. Yet, I loved you. Still love you, even though I now know that she isn't your only weakness. I wasn't strong enough for you back then. With me, you had to be the strong one. You had to be the one to pick up the pieces and put them back together and maybe...maybe for a little while that was what you wanted. You didn't want the stone cold girl with perfect hair who was always picking up your scattered pieces, you wanted the broken girl with messy hair and chewed up fingernails who could make you feel like you were a man. But beneath that want, there was a want much stronger that you couldn't conceal, even from me; from the girl who only saw the world the way she wanted to see it. _

_I can say I know what true love is because I found that with you, but it wasn't really you, was it? I found true love with the person I thought you were, the problem was that you'd already found that love and it certainly wasn't with me. I always knew you'd go back to her some day, so it shouldn't have hurt as much as it did when it happened. It shouldn't have created the gaping hole in my chest that still hasn't healed, will never heal. I thought with time I'd get over you, I made myself believe that I was in love with Craig Manning. I made myself believe that it was him that I wanted and wasn't I smart with that? I let myself believe I loved someone that would never love me back, that would never want me. I couldn't have pretended long enough to stay with him if it had been me he had chosen instead of Manny. It wasn't hard for me to keep pretending when he was with Manny, my hate for her was real. She was the best friend of the girl you loved and that was enough for me to hate her. _

_Like you, she couldn't see past the compassionate facade that your blond angel put up. She couldn't see the cold brown eyes that were always so carefully concealed, or the way Emma was always only looking out for numero uno. I never understood how the girl could be so loved by everyone, even by the people who pretended to hate her. Jay Hogart for instance. I thought for sure that he was the only other person beside me who could see past her facade, but I was wrong. He let himself fall into her trap and he got burned. Even after he saw her for who she truly was, he still loved her. I always found that funny. For whatever reason I could always see the two of them ending up together. They would be perfect for each other, you know. Both of them are cold as ice, both of them so uncaring for everyone around them. Their only difference is that he shows it to the world that he doesn't give a shit, and she keeps it carefully hidden. _

_Did you go back to her because you didn't have to the strong one with her? You knew that you didn't have to hide who you were with her and pretend to be the one who had it all together like you did with me? You could simply let her keep picking up the pieces and make you believe that you could be someone someday? She does that for people. Manny, her always so beautifully broken friend; Liberty, whose feelings are always so guarded but always such a mess; JT, the boy who hides his sadness behind a clown's smile; Peter, the lonely boy who wants so badly to be loved; and you, the bad boy on the outside, but so lost inside. She gave all of you a reason to feel like you mattered. When did you have to pick up her pieces? Never. _

_There was only once that I'd ever heard about her falling apart. I wonder if the stress of having to pretend to be someone she isn't finally caught up to her. The evil part of me that I hide deep inside laughed cruelly when I found out about her anorexia. The jealous monster in me hoped that she would kill herself with her disease. Do you find that horrifying? Do you find me horrifying for feeling that way? I don't. I find myself simply human and for once if you found out my feelings about your perfect girlfriend I wouldn't care what you thought of me because maybe you would start to look for the chinks in her perfect facade and maybe you would finally see. _

_But none of that matters because I know that even if you did see it wouldn't matter. You went back to her when you found out what happened between her and Jay. You went back to pretending that she'd never fallen off of that sky high pedestal you keep her on. To you she almost isn't human, you believe she wears a halo. I, too, can see that halo, but I see that it's crooked and slowly falling away. I saw the way she turned on her best friend after JT's death, practically sending her to the gallows with out a second's hesitation. Instead of seeing her, then, for who she truly is, you simply went along with her. Maybe it wasn't because of Emma, herself, maybe it was because of JT. That's something I will never know. I can see, though, through that distorted view how it would seem a betrayal to Manny's dead friend that she would hook up with a boy from Lakehurst. I can understand that sentiment, so maybe I won't blame you for what you did. Not in the way I blame you for so many other things._

_You went to jail for Emma. Would you have ever gone to jail for me? No. No, you wouldn't have. You wouldn't have acted so stupidly "macho" that way for someone as insignificant as myself. You didn't even come to see me when you returned. I never even got an apology from you for leaving me. It still baffles me that you never even called me, simply had your mom call to ask me if I could send your things. So maybe I'm wrong and you do deserve to be with the preppy girl with ice for a heart. Maybe you have ice for a heart as well, but you hide it behind all the weakness that shine through. _

_I've only ever truly hated one person. I've only ever wanted to see true physical harm come to one person and that's your girlfriend. I would dance on her grave if she died and laugh in the faces of all those who cried silent tears at her funeral. Would you come back to me, then? Or have you simply forgotten about me? I watched you at her party. I watched you from across the room as you fawned over her and I watched as the two of you silently stole away to the sanctity of her bedroom. I know what you were doing down there and it took all I had not to go bursting through that door and tear her away from you, screaming at the top of my lungs. Does it make you feel any guilt at all about what you've done to me? You've jaded me. _

_I'm with someone, now. Did you know? His name is Jesse and he loves me. I can see it in his eyes and it eats away at me that one day I will crush him. As I said before, there is only so long I can pretend, I don't have the strength that your Emma has to pretend for years and never feel an ounce of guilt for what I've done to those around me. It will hurt me when I hurt him, but I suppose in some way I am like Emma. Because there's a part of me that doesn't give a shit that he will be left in the dust and only be a memory in time. _

_He will be what I was to you. Simply a stand in that could never quite compare to the person I truly wanted to be with. I could never quite meet the high expectations you had, even though you were so careful not to let me see that. These eyes see more that you think. Like the first time I let myself fully understand that I wasn't what I thought I was to you. After I'd first moved in with you and we were walking to school, our fingers linked, I saw out of the corner of my eye that you were watching her. I saw the look on your face that said to me that you still loved her, had never stopped loving her. She was standing at her locker talking to Toby about something and there was an evil glint in those dark eyes of hers, she turned towards us as if she could feel your eyes on her and she raised a single perfectly plucked eyebrow at you before you quickly turned away from her. My eyes were glued to her though, I could force myself to look away and she looked at me in such away that made me want to melt into the cold linoleum floor. It was as if she was telling me that I didn't matter and that she would have you back and the only reason she didn't was because she wasn't quite ready to take you back yet. I know now that if she had put any effort into it at all she could have had you back with the snap of her perfectly manicured fingers._

_Does it hurt you to know that I see all of this? Does it hurt you to know that she will never love you. The only person Emma Nelson has ever loved is Emma Nelson. You are her toy, something for her to play with and be amused by. You are her pet project, just as Peter was. She loves that you are weak because as long as you are weak you will not see her for who she really is. As long as you are weak she gets to be the strong one and she gets to take care of you. She does not want you to be strong because if you are strong what need does she have for you? You will keep messing up and she will keep fixing you and the two of you are content with that. It sickens me that I still love you. _

_What sickens me even more is that I don't truly hate her. I can't. She is a disease that runs through our veins and we can't get rid of. She is the person that no one will ever truly hate. I love her as much as everyone else does and that makes me no better than any of them. But I can feel all the things I do because she has you and because she has never given me a second's thought. I was simply the girl that was standing in for her for a short period in time. I was not even a road block for her. I was simply there, somehow invading in her perfectly constructed universe and then I was gone. Emma Nelson is the girl that every other girl wants to be and never can be.  
_


	2. Numb

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own Degrassi or any of it's characters...only in my dreams..._

_**Author's Note: **This is post Emma/Sean break up in Gangsta Gangsta, both of their feelings on what happend.  
_

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_Emma Nelson was numb inside. Her legs were moving and her hand was crushing something, but she was barely aware of her actions. She felt the picture she'd crushed fall from her grasp and land on the cold concrete. She didn't feel anything as she walked into the school building, wandering aimlessly down the deserted hallway towards her step-father's classroom. The one thing she'd thought could never happen, had. The one person she'd thought she could always count on had deserted her. Was this how it felt to have hour heart ripped from within your chest?_

Sean Cameron was crumbling inside. He didn't dare let it show, knowing that Jay would never let him live it down if he ran after the thin blond the way he wanted to. He watched her out of the corner of his hard green eyes as her hands went to fists and something fluttered down to the pavement. He wanted to go after it, see what it was, something inside of him knew it had been for him. Instead he turned back around and continued wrenching on the car in front of him. He waited until after he had Jay's car fixed. Silently shook his head when Jay asked him if he needed a ride home and stood where he was until Jay's car was completely out of sight. He didn't want them to see as he walked up the concrete steps and slowly crouched down. He reached out and gently lifted the glossy paper that Emma had let fall so carelessly. He smoothed out the paper, to see that it was a photograph. Her school picture. She smiled out at him, a sparkle in her soft brown eyes and he felt a single tear slip down his cheek as he read what she'd written. **Love, Emma.** He turned it over and saw there was something written on the back as well. His tough guy exterior became so much harder to keep up as he read her words. **I know things have been hard lately and that I haven't been there for you as much as I should be. Everything's just so crazy lately and I'm so scared about Snake, but I hope you know that through it all you are my rock. You are my reason for keeping my head held high and for the hope that burns inside of me. I know I've never said it...but I love you Sean. Don't forget that, ever. **

She was going to tell him she loved him and he'd dumped her with a callous cruelty that even he hadn't known he'd possessed.

_She wrapped her thin arms around herself as she sat in front of the blank computer monitor, waiting for Snake to finish up grading papers. A few months ago if she had walked into his room looking the way she imagined she did, he would have dropped everything and prodded at her until she'd told him what had happened, but not today. He was too wrapped up in his own problems and Emma felt selfish and shallow for the resentment that ebbed it's way into her numbness at his lack of attention. Was this what Sean had felt? Was this the feeling that had finally pushed him over the edge? The broken blond let self pity wash over her for a moment, wondering if all this truly had been her fault. But the thought was quickly pushed aside, it wasn't her fault that he was too weak to handle the fact that Emma Nelson needed to be strong for those around her. If he couldn't handle the fact that she was needed by other people other than him, then that was his problem. Not hers. But knowing that didn't stop the pain she felt from rising up stronger than ever inside of her._

Sean folded the crumpled picture into a small square and shoved it inside his baggy jeans pocket. He looked around for a moment, almost hoping that Emma would come back and try one last time to get him to talk to her, even though he knew she wouldn't. If there was one thing Emma was famous for, besides her constant campaigns, it was her pride. You don't hurt a girl like Emma Nelson and expect her to come running back to you. He let out a tortured sigh and began the ten minute walk home, his last image of her walking away from him playing over and over in his mind. There would be no turning back this time. No second chances anymore. She'd already given him enough chances, more than he deserved. He remember back when he'd gotten drunk because he'd been so nervous to meet her parents and the way he'd flipped out on Spike, but Emma had forgiven him. She'd rubbed his back as he threw up over the railing and had still wanted him the next day. He'd thrown her away as if she was just a piece of trash. He'd ruined the one good thing in his life and he hated himself for it.

_Snake finally stood, gathering his papers and stuffing them into the old brown briefcase that had seen better days. Emma wordlessly stood from her chair and followed him out of the classroom, barely registering the words Snake was saying to her. She answered his questions at the right times and said what he expected her to say, but her stomach was in knots the whole time. She wondered how he couldn't see how broken she was at that moment. She wondered how he couldn't see the pain in her eyes. She felt as if she was in a crowded room, screaming at the top of her lungs, but no one could hear her. The ride home was silent, except for the low hum of the engine. Emma walked into the house, forcing herself not to run down to her room and throw the covers over her head. All she wanted to do was hide, but instead she would have to soon get Jack's dinner ready, while her mom went to work and Snake rested upstairs. It was too much pressure for a fourteen year old girl to handle, but they didn't see that. Neither of them could see that even before Sean had broken up with her, she was on the verge of snapping, all this had done was set her over the edge a little faster. _

As the sad-eyed boy let himself into the run-down apartment he shared with his brother, he felt the overwhelming urge to go to Emma's and beg her forgiveness, but he stopped himself. He'd made his choice and he would have to live with it. It was better this way, she would see that in time. They belonged to two different worlds and it had been foolish for him to think that he could mesh into hers. He wandered over to the kitchen counter and sat at one of the stools, pulling her picture out of his pocket. He smoothed out the folds and stared down at it, letting his tears fall down onto the glossy picture.

_After feeding Jack, the small girl changed him into his pajamas and then carried him back downstairs. She slid his favorite Dora The Explorer tape into the VCR and opened her school bag. She slid the books out of her bag and opened one of them, staring down at the jumbled words on the page in front of her. She closed her eyes for a moment, willing herself to concentrate. She couldn't fall apart yet, there was too much she had to do before bed. Assignments that needed to be finished, her brother needed to be put down to sleep and a book read to him. She needed to go up and check on Snake, to make sure he was alright and then...only then could she escape to the sanctuary of her basement bedroom. For the first time since she'd been forced to move down there, she was thankful for it. Her parents wouldn't be able to hear her cries from down there._

Sean heard as if from through a fog, Tracker make his way into the kitchen. Tracker must have said something because now he was waving a hand in front of Sean's face while saying his name.

"What?" Sean spat out, not in the mood to talk to anyone.

"Chill little brother, what's got you all snarly," Tracker asked, raising his eyebrows and taking a swig out of his beer. Sean just stared at him hard and then back down at the picture of Emma. Tracker glanced down at the photograph that had Sean so entranced and let out a chuckle.

"You know she actually looks pretty hot there, bro. Never thought I'd say it, but that little girl is good for you," Tracker placed a hand on Sean's shoulder and squeezed it. The green-eyed boy just shook Tracker's hand away from him and snatched the picture, crumpling it back into the ball that Emma had left it in.

"Yeah, well, I broke up with her today. I'm going to my room," Sean snarled out bitterly, turning away from his brother and beginning to walk to his room.

"What? You are a fucking idiot, Sean. That girl was the best thing that happened to you. Fucking dumbass," Tracker muttered, shaking his head at Sean's retreating back. Sean paused for a moment, letting Tracker's words sink in, knowing they were true. He brushed them away and slammed his bedroom door behind him. He didn't need Tracker telling him what a dumbass he was, he already knew.

_Emma carefully walked down the stairs into her room. She finally had time to herself, time to curl up into a ball and let the tears finally fall. She stripped off her clothes and pulled one of Sean's hoodies that he'd left over her small frame. The black material fell down almost to her knees and she smiled a sad smile. He'd always teased her when she'd worn this sweatshirt, said she'd looked like she was drowning, but she'd insisted on keeping it. She'd wanted something of his for when he wasn't around. The pale girl let herself sink down on to her bed, breathing in his scent from the sweatshirt. She looked around her room, taking in all the pictures of the two of them together scattered around on her walls among other pictures of her friends and family. She hadn't realized the breath she'd been holding in since Sean had smashed her heart until she finally let it out. Curling into a ball, Emma let herself rock back and forth, willing the tears to fall. But they never did._

Sean sank down on the floor, leaning his back against the small bed. Something poked him in the back and reached behind him, pulling out an old shoe box. He closed his eyes, wondering if he had the strength to look through it's contents, and then removed the lid and dumped out the assorted pictures and scraps of notebook paper. He randomly picked up a piece of paper and read the words scrawled out. **God, Sean, Miss Kwan is being such a...ugh that word. Can't wait for the double cheese and movie tonight. Will Tracker be there? **He let the paper flutter to the floor and picked up another one, this one was folded into a small square and he opened it up letting his eyes travel over her words. **Sean, I'm so scared. What if Snake doesn't get better? What if he...oh God, I can't think about that. My mom and I were on our own before and we were okay, but I don't think we would be a second time, not after we've had Snake there to hold us all together and turn us into a family. He's more a dad to me than I ever thought I'd have. He didn't have to be, but he did anyways. I know that it wasn't just to make my mom happy or impress her or anything, it's because he really does love me; really does care about me. I don't think I could stand it if he doesn't get better. At least I have you, Sean. I don't know if you know how much you keep me together. Never let us fall apart. Never let me push you away like I have the tendency to do sometimes. Always know you're the only one that matters in my heart. Always yours, Em. **The tears were really falling now, smudging the ink on the paper he held in his hands. He threw it down to the ground and picked up a random picture, staring down at the smiles on both or their faces as they laughed into the camera. JT was in background sticking his tongue out and holding up two fingers behind Sean's head. He would never have those times again with his perfect girlfriend and her goofy friends. They wouldn't like who he was letting himself become. It didn't matter anymore. It didn't.

_Instead of the sorry she'd expected to overtake her, anger surged up inside of her. How dare he do this to her? How dare he treat her as if she was nothing. She jumped off the bed and began going around her room tearing photos of the walls and ripping them to shreds. She grabbed the music box where she'd kept all his notes and tore those up to, carefully putting all the shredded pieces into a shoe box on her bed. She stripped off the hoodie she'd found comfort in only moments before and slid on an old Mother Earth t-shirt that she'd had since she was seven and grabbed her favorite jeans, sliding them on over her thin legs. She grabbed the shoe box and Sean's hoodie, she unlatched her window and climbed out. She was already half way to Sean's when she realized she was barefoot, but she didn't let it stop her. She walked briskly down the dimly lit street until she was standing at his door. Her hand was suspended in the air as she finally felt the first wave of uncertainty rise inside of her._

Sean threw the contents back in the old shoe box, not wanting to think about her anymore, but he couldn't get her face out of his mind. He couldn't hide from the vibrant chocolate eyes or the sparkling smile that weaved it's way into his conciousness. So he did the only thing he knew how to do, he let his temper take over. He jumped up, grabbing the shoe box and letting it fly into his dresser, causing a framed picture of he and Emma to topple over and the glass crack right down the middle. His fist slammed into the wall, bloodying his knuckles and forming a large hole that would supremely piss of Tracker, but Sean couldn't find it in himself to give a shit. Nothing mattered anymore. Without Emma his life was crap anyways. The worst part of it was that he was the reason he'd lost her, no not lost her, he'd kicked her out of his life. He whirled around when he heard the soft knock coming from outside. Ignoring it he continued his rampage by punching his sore fist into his mattress.

_When she finally got the courage up to knock, no one answered. She wouldn't be deterred that easily, she knew someone was home because she could hear movement from inside. Her fist connected with the paint-peeling door once more, a little harder. She finally heard someone yell out that they were coming and to take a damn chill pill and knew that it was Sean. Part of her was crying out to just run, leave the stuff and run, but the other part of her, the part of her that wanted him to see what he'd done to her made her stay planted in front of his door. The door swung open to reveal Sean, sweat running down his forehead, his eyes puffy and bloodshot and his right knuckles bleeding profusely. Emma forced the nurse, as he'd called her, inside of her down, not letting herself quickly grab his hand and run it under some cool water and bandage it herself, all the while chiding him for being so careless. That wasn't her job anymore. He could damn well take care of himself. Sean stared at her with surprised sea-green eyes and for a few minutes all Emma could do was stare back with harsh brown eyes._

The last person Sean had expected to be on the other side of his apartment door was his ex-girlfriend. Her normally soft eyes were bitter and cold. Her face was emotionless and he knew that she was keeping everything locked inside, just as she always did. He knew better than anyone that Emma Nelson didn't do sadness, she didn't do falling apart and she certainly didn't do it in front of the person who had caused it. He couldn't think of a single reason of why she would be here, so he simply stared at her, waiting for her to say something. When she finally did it wasn't what he'd expected.

"I brought your sweat shirt," she said stoically. Handing him the sweat shirt that had concealed the old shoe box she held in her arms. Sean reached out and took it from her, letting it drop down beside him. He still didn't say a word, just looked at her with a strange expression on his boyish features. She didn't say anything as she turned the box upside down and let the lid fall to the ground, while pieces of torn up paper floated down and piled up on the doorstep in front of Sean's feet.

"All of us, reduced only to pieces of crumpled up paper. Sort of like our relationship," she whispered, for the first time emotion seeping into her voice. He could hear the bitterness in her voice and it tugged at his heart. He stepped forward, forgetting that he wasn't the person that comforted her anymore, letting his arms reach out to pull her into a hug. Her eyes got huge and she jumped back as if his touch would cause her to go up in flames. Sean's arms fell to his sides, hanging limply down.

_The boy in front of her, the boy she'd thought she'd known so well, looked defeated and full of sorrow, but she didn't see that. Emma saw only the pain he had caused her; she saw only the pieces of her broken heart lying at his feet as he stared at her, not even saying a word. When he'd reached out to hold her, she couldn't bare the thought of letting him touch her. She couldn't let herself break in front of him and she knew that if he touched her she would. _

_"Don't come near me. I hate you," Emma whispered, hoping the words sounded true. Praying that he wouldn't see through her lies to the girl inside that still loved him with everything that she was. Sean's face turned to stone and she could see the anger and regret warring in his eyes. She didn't wait for him to say anything, simply turned and started walking away._

_"Emma, wait," Sean called out. The blond turned around slowly and gave him a calculated glare._

_"Got nothin' to say," she whispered harshly and turned around walking slowly away from him. For the first time since Sean shattered her, she felt a small sense of satisfaction. He still loved her, she knew he did, and she would make sure that she made his life a living hell. She would make sure that by the end of it, he would hurt as bad as she did._

For the second time that day Sean was left staring at Emma's retreating back. She thrown the words he'd said to her back in his face and the sting of it cut down to his core. He knew he deserved it, but it didn't make it hurt any less. He just realized too late exactly how much she meant to him and now it didn't make a difference. He did the only thing he could think to do when he was feeling this way, called Jay and went out to a party. He grabbed the first girl he saw and lost himself in her. She wasn't Emma, but she would do for now.


	3. Letters From Home

**_Disclaimer: _**_I do not own Degrassi: TNG or the song Letters From Home._

_This is in honor of all those serving in the military and a special dedication to my cousin Justin who's been in Iraq for the past six months. _  


* * *

My Dear Son, it is almost June,  
I hope this letter catches up to you and finds you well  
It's been dry, but they're calling for rain,  
And everything's the same old same in Johnsonville  
Your stubborn 'ol Daddy ain't said too much,  
But I'm sure you know he sends his love,  
And she goes on,  
In a letter from home

I hold it up and show my buddies,  
Like we ain't scared and our boots ain't muddy,  
And they all laugh,  
Like there's something funny bout the way I talk,  
When I say: "Mama sends her best y'all"  
I fold it up an' put it in my shirt,  
Pick up my gun an' get back to work  
An' it keeps me driving on,  
Waiting on letters from home  


_My Dear Gavin,_

_The leaves on the trees are green and in full bloom as summer begins to come around the corner, as I wonder where you are and if you're safe. I know you always tell me not to worry, but it's futile. A mother never lets go of her children; never stops worrying about them. Your sister came home for the summer this year, instead of staying up at school for summer courses. It was nice to have her around, especially since you are now gone. The house feels so empty without my children running around within it. I know you have made the right choice for you and for our country, but it still hurts my heart to have you so far from home and from safety._

_Your Dad still hasn't said much since you've been gone, but I hope you know he loves you. It's just so hard for him sometimes, Gavin. He's a military man, as well, and he's seen the war that you are now in. I think it's hard for him to imagine his only son out there amongst all that hate. _

_Tell your friends there that I send my best and that they better be taking good care of my boy. I love you, son. Please be safe.  
_

_Always,_

_Mom_

I hold up the letter and show it to my friends, grinning like an idiot. They all laugh at me as I tell them that my mom sends her best to all of them as well. They laugh at my Canadian accent and we all share a moment of poking fun before picking up our guns and going back to cleaning them. There really isn't much time for fun here.

My Dearest Love, it's almost dawn  
I've been lying here all night long wondering where you might be  
I saw your Mama and I showed her the ring  
Man on the television said something so I couldn't sleep  
But I'll be alright, I'm just missing you  
An' this is me kissing you  
XX's and OO's  
In a letter from home

I hold it up and show my buddies  
Like we ain't scared and our boots ain't muddy  
And they all laugh  
'Cause she calls me "Honey," but they take it hard,  
'Cause I don't read the good parts  
I fold it up an' put it in my shirt,  
Pick up my gun an' get back to work  
An' it keeps me driving on,  
Waiting on letters from home  


_Dear Spinner,_

_Some nights it's so lonely with out you here to hold me. My small arms wrap around myself protectively as I imagine it's you holding me, keeping me safe. I can't sleep tonight, I was watching the news and all I can think about is you. Are you safe? Are you okay? I miss you so much that it hurts sometimes. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be strong and I will be, for you. It's just harder some days than others. Everyone's been so good to me since you've been gone, even Jay. _

_I ran into your mom at the grocery store. And when I say ran into, I mean literally. I was turning the corner and she was coming out of the aisle and bam our carts crashed. She immediatly grabbed my hand to look at the ring you gave me before you left. I could see tears in her eyes as she smiled at me warmly and told me that she never would have dreamed of someone better than me for you. I wish I felt the same way. Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough for you...I wonder if maybe I'm too selfish a creature to be with someone who is so selflessly fighting for his country. I want you home with me, not somewhere across the ocean putting your life in danger. I'm sorry, I try not to write about things like that. I try to write about only happy things for you._

_Let's see, what has been going on here since last I wrote you. Ellie and Sean got engaged yesterday and I know Emma's having a hard time with it. There was somewhere in her heart that thought she and Sean would always end up together. I know how much she misses him, even though she tries to hide it. Sean knows it too and I know he tries to be gentle with her when it comes to talking about Ellie. I'm so glad that you and I found our way back to each other. I don't think I would have ever been made a whole again if it wasn't for you, my love. I'm starting classes next week, my senior year in college and then I'll be graduated. _

_I was thinking that we could have the wedding that July. Let me know what you think, I know you'll be home by then. I saw a dress that I think I've fallen in love with and I'm dragging Emma along with me tomorrow to go try it on. She sends her love, as do my parents._

_Come home to me soon. I love you. _

_xoxo_

_Love forever and a day,_

_Manny_

She tries so hard not to let her sadness shine through in her letters, but I can see where her tear drops have stained the page and smudged the ink. My buddies all call out cat calls when they see the photo she's sent me fall to the floor. My beautiful Manny with long dark hair and golden eyes stares up at me, her arm slung around her best friend. I pick up the photo and stuff it in my pocket along with her letter. It's time to go out on patrol, but her face still lingers in my memory as the laughter of those around me goes on.

Dear Son, I know ain't written,  
But sittin' here tonight, alone in the kitchen,  
It occurs to me,  
I might not have said, so I'll say it now  
Son, you make me proud

I hold it up and show my buddies,  
Like we ain't scared and our boots ain't muddy,  
But no one laughs  
'Cause there ain't nothing funny when a soldier cries  
An' I just wipe my eyes  
I fold it up an' put it in my shirt,  
Pick up my gun an' get back to work  
An' it keeps me driving on,  
Waiting on letters from home  


_Son,_

_I'm sitting here in the kitchen alone tonight, watching CNN and it occurred to me that I haven't written you, yet. I'm sorry for that and for so many other things. I want you to know how proud I am of you and how much I love you. Don't ever doubt that. Be safe in all that you do._

_Love,_

_Dad_

The others in the tent just stare at me as the first tear slips down my cheek. I don't care that we aren't supposed to cry. I don't care that it might make me look weak. My dad's proud of me. I never thought I'd see the day where he would say that. I wipe the tears away as the silence echoes throughout our small confines and pick up my gun and get back to work.

An' it keeps me driving on,  
Waiting on letters from home


	4. Forget

**_Disclaimer: _**_I do not own Degrassi: TNG or the song Better Than Me by Hinder. Trust me, if I did, I would not be sitting in the crummy apartment on a $10 couch from Goodwill, I'd be in Paris shopping 'till I drop._

* * *

It wasn't until years after that he realized the biggest mistake of his life had been letting her go. It wasn't until he'd sold billions of records and done hundreds of concerts with a thousand fans screaming his name, all the while the emptiness inside of him growing larger and larger until he was only an empty shell of who he had once been. His life was a whirl-wind of bottle blond bimbos, alcoholic drinks, wonderfully white nose candy and countless rehabs. He didn't think of her, at least he hadn't. She had become a distant memory in his fuck up mind that he didn't have the time to ponder about. At least that's how it had been before. Now, every girl he took to his bed had her face, every drink was swallowed to drown out her memory, every line was snorted to forget the pain in his once frozen heart. It was her fault, really. She hadn't had to go and make a name for herself. She could have stayed at college and gotten that degree fashion design, but no. His girl wasn't meant to put others in the lime light, she was the lime light. 

He'd been at the grocery store, on one of those rare occasions when he didn't feel like ordering take out and her face had stared up at him from the front cover of **People**. His hands wouldn't listen to his brain and reached out, slipping the magazine out of it's rack and into his grocery basket. Inside he was screaming at himself to put it back, not to open that Pandora's Box once again, but his body wasn't understanding his thoughts. He quickly made his way to the check out and absently signed the slip of paper the cashier handed him breathlessly. He didn't dare look in the bag the whole car ride home or even after he'd pulled into his drive way. He carried the brown paper bag into his too big three story home that had never felt quite as lonely as it did at that moment. Robotically, he put his groceries away, carefully placing the magazine on the far edge of the counter, not daring to look down at her smiling face.

For a few minutes he just stood in the kitchen, not having anything else to do to keep his hands occupied he stared at the counter as if the magazine was about to jump up and bite him in the nose. Closing his eyes for a moment, Craig took a deep breath and reached out, opening the magazine to page 17 where a full body shot of the girl who he hadn't let himself think about for over six years stared up at him. _Manny Santos: The next big star! _The headline shouted out at him. His eyes traveled down the page, reading drinking up every word about the girl he'd once so carelessly loved and lost. When his eyes reached the small interview blurb he could feel tears gather in his eyes, but he wouldn't let them fall.

_"God, yes. I always wanted to be an actress. The idea of making an audience laugh and cry all in just a few minutes always fascinated me. I'm just so thankful for being given this gift."_

_"Craig Manning? Wow, it's been a long time since anyone's mentioned that name to me. Yeah, we dated in high school a few times, but it was no big thing. We had fun, the end."_

_"There was someone once, but he wasn't who I thought he was. He was the one in my mind. You know what I mean, white picket fence, golden retriever and 2.5 kids, but it wasn't meant to happen. He loved his nose candy more than he loved me. Sometimes that's just how it works out, though. Life always has a plan for us, even if it's not what we intended for ourselves. It hardly matters anyways, I barely think about him anymore."_

He had known she was lying when she said they were no big deal because in the very next sentence she was talking about him. How many boyfriends had she had that were addicted to cocaine? He knew her too well and he knew that she still loved him, but as she'd said...it didn't really matter anymore. Why did he have to see that magazine? Why did his perfectly constructed lie have to crumble around him? He'd convinced himself that she didn't matter, but now he couldn't do that again. He frantically watched the entertainment channel searching for any sign of her. When he went to promotional events his eyes were always searching for her beautiful mane of chocolate hair, but he hadn't seen her once. He'd even considered calling up Emma Nelson, but knew he would only get an angry lecture and an inevitable dial tone.

His only escape was in the sweet release of his music. He stayed up until dawn writing songs about her, writing songs to her, writing songs about them. In every line he wrote there was a trace of his lost love. There was one song...only one...that he finally recorded about her. He sent the single out to every big station in California and prayed that she would hear it. He hoped beyond hope that she would know it was about her, that she would know he still loved her, had always loved her. He wasn't delusional, he knew it wouldn't make a difference really, but there was something inside of him that needed her to know how he felt, even if it was only in his imagination.

* * *

There had been a time when Manny Santos did not need to fake the dimpled smile on her tanned face. There had been a time when that smile had been so natural she barely realized she was doing it, but that time had been years ago. When they all saw her, they thought she had it all together. No one suspected the tears she cried at night or all the loneliness she felt inside. There had been no serious relationships in her life since her senior year in high school and she told everyone it was because she needed to focus on her career, but the real reason for it was a boy with a broken smile and sad brown eyes that refused to be erased from her memory. 

Her dreams were unfolding before her eyes, but the happiness she thought she'd feel was replaced by an emptiness that she hadn't suspected. No matter how hard she tried, the hold he still had on her never seemed to loosen it's grip. There were times when she thought maybe Emma could see through her happy facade, but her best friend kept her mouth shut if she did. There was an unspoken rule between the two of them that his name would never be brought up. His name was simply the elephant in the room that was to be ignored. So, it was an unpleasant surprise when Manny received a package in the mail from her best friend with a simply note inside that said, "I think you should listen to this. Don't be mad at me for bringing up the past that you've been trying so hard to forget. Love, Emma." Along with the note, there was a CD case with Craig's face staring up at her and a phone number scrawled out across it in sharpie that she could only assume was his.

She'd closed her eyes for a moment, willing the tears to recede and urging herself not to call Emma up that instant and scream at her for being so thoughtless. Instead, Manny opened the plastic casing and removed the CD from within. She walked over to her CD player and popped it inside. Her finger hovered for a moment over the play button before forcefully shoving down. She would not be afraid to listen to his music. She would not let him beat her this time. The words that floated into her ears had her stumbling back and falling to the floor with a thud, where she sat until it was over.

_I think you can do much better than me  
After all the lies that I made you believe  
Guilt kicks in and I start to see  
The edge of the bed  
Where your nightgown used to be  
_

_I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remember  
What it feels like beside you  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

_While looking through your old box of notes  
I found those pictures I took  
That you were looking for  
If there's one memory I don't want to lose  
That time at the mall  
You and me in the dressing room  
_

_I told myself I won't miss you  
But I remember  
What it feels like beside you  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder  
Wish you never would've said it's over  
And I can't pretend...I won't think about you when I'm older  
Cause we never really had our closure  
This can't be the end_

_I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me  
I really miss your hair in my face  
And the way your innocence tastes  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me  
And I think you should know this  
You deserve much better than me_

Tears poured down her beautiful face as she groped for the CD case and her cell phone. Carefully she punched in the numbers that stared up at her and waiting for the ringing on the other end.

"Yeah?" His voice answered on the other end and she couldn't seem to find the words that she knew she needed to say. All she could think about was the fact that she hadn't heard that wonderfully soothing sound in more than six years and she wished she could hear it again soon.

"Um, hello?" He asked again, confusion shinning through. Manny took a deep breath and willed the tears to stop.

"You're right. I do deserve much better," she finally managed to say, knowing she should hang up now, but not being able to. What would he say? She needed to know.

"I still love you," he whispered hoarsely and she knew he was holding back his own tears.

"I'll always love you, Craig, but it doesn't matter. Sometimes it just doesn't matter," she choked out before quickly snapping her phone shut.

Manny Santos curled herself into a small ball on the cold gray carpet, sobs shaking her tiny frame.

At that same moment, Craig Manning wiped away the tears from his sleepless eyes and leaned down, snorting in the white substance that helped him forget.


	5. Torn

_**Disclaimer:**I do not own Degrassi.  
_

* * *

Screams filled the empty house as his thick and calloused hand came crashing down on her face. She knew she should be used to it by now, but that first blow always came as a shock to her. As soon as she screamed, she regretted it because it only made him angrier, only made the beating worse. She felt herself grow more numb with each blow that followed and as if from through a fog she felt herself crumple into a tight ball on the living room floor. Her hair was yanked up in his fist and she was being dragged down the hall and into the bedroom that she had grown all too familiar with. A single tear slid down her bruised cheek as he lifted her and threw her down on the mattress. Hands she should feel safe with tore at her clothing, ripping her favorite shirt down the center. Her jeans were being unbuttoned hastily and then slipped off her legs. She was vaguely aware that she was lying there in only her thin lace bra and tiny thong, but she had always taken herself away to that place where no one could hurt her, where nothing bad ever happened and life was perfect. God would give her strength to endure this, just as He had so many times before. 

_God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change_

The familiar prayer spoke in her mind as her lips mouthed the words. In her mind she was somewhere else. She imagined Spinner holding her close, his strong arms wrapped around her protectively. The heaving man above her no longer existed and the abuse he inflicted on her already worn and tattered body was happening to someone else. He was yelling something at her, but she did not hear him and she did not respond. From far away she could feel the back of his hand connected with the side of her head, but it did not register. She could no longer feel the pain. Instead she felt Spinner's warm breath on her face and heard his gentle voice telling her that everything would be okay; it would all be over soon. She opened her eyes, forcing herself to stare up into the cold blue eyes of the man who had so carelessly stolen her innocence years before. Hatred battled with love inside of her as she watched the man she called father use her body in ways that no father ever should.

_The courage to change the things I can_

Somewhere inside of her head a voice called out to her, telling her to do _something_, anything to stop the infliction of pain on her body. She knew she would not, though. What could she do? Silence was all she had. No one was to ever know her secret and how else could she make this torment stop? This was her penance. This terrible thing that happened to her when no one else was home to stop it. For every sin she had ever committed, this was the price she payed. She wasn't good, she never had been, but she wanted so badly to be good. Maybe if she was good, this wouldn't be happening. Maybe if she was good, her father would not find it necessary to hurt her this way. He hadn't touched her this was when she was little. When she had been young and good and innocent he had been her world, bowing to her every whim. She let herself remember chocolate ice cream cones and humid summer days, little hands being held within much larger ones when the thunder during the rain had scared her, birthday cakes with white fluffy frosting and silly hats, trust that this man would never let anything harm her; always knowing that when she was with him there was nothing that could ever hurt her. It seemed ironic in a way that he was the one hurting her, he was the one causing this incredible pain physically and emotionally. The first time it had happened she'd been so scared, so unsure of what to do. Half of her had wanted to run to her mom and tell her exactly what had happened and the other half of her had wanted to never tell another soul terrified of getting her father in trouble. She'd never spoken a word of it.

_And the wisdom to know the difference_

Finally, his sweaty body collapsed against her bloodied and bruised form. She let herself be held within his strong arms, reaching out and rubbing a soothing hand on his bare back. She felt his tears fall on her shoulder and forced her own tears down.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. You know it's all because I just love you so much. I can't help it. I love you too much," his ragged whisper entered her ear. She understood. It wasn't his fault, it was all hers. If she was only better, good, he wouldn't do this. If she was a different daughter, like her little sister, he would never touch her this way and she wouldn't need to know the horrors of the world that she should be protected against. Once his tears had finally dried from his face he gently lifted her from the bed and dressed her as she let herself be limp in his arms. She found out the hard way that if she showed how disgusted she was, the whole process would simply be repeated and she'd be left even more battered than she already was. He carried her up to her room and lay her down on her bed, turning back to her as he stood in her door frame.

"You're not to see that boy anymore. I know he's the reason you put those pictures of yourself online. Do you understand me, young lady?" Her father said in a harsh voice, an evil glint in his pale blue eyes. The girl simply nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She knew she would do what he said. She knew that she would make sure that she and Spinner did not get back together. It didn't matter that her father had told her that's what she would do, she'd already planned on it. Spinner was sweet and good and all the things that she'd fooled herself into believing she could have. The tears finally fell down her beaten face and she hugged her comforter close to her. Tomorrow she would go to school and tell Spinner that things really were over for good. She would do this because Darcy Edwards did not deserve to be loved and she knew it.

* * *


	6. Love Is Not Enough

_**Disclaimer: **I don't own Degrassi what-so-ever, blah blah blah, ya'll know the drill._

_**Author's Note:** The inspiration for this ff came from the song My Broken Heart by Reba. If you've just broken up with someone, listen to it...great break up song lol. Anyways, y'all probably noticed that I tend to lean towards Sean and Emma...they are my favorite characters, but I promise that at some point all characters in the show will be touched upon. I want to broaden my writing and I know I need to write through different perspectives than what I'm used to in order to do that. Any feedback (even flames) are welcome, as they help me to become a better writer. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this one. _

* * *

**Love Is Not Enough**

Sad mocha eyes watched from across the room as he carefully placed the last of his clothes into a brown cardboard box. The tears that threatened to spill over were carefully held back as she helped him load boxes into his beat up, old Toyota. There were both silent as they worked, neither had the strength to fight anymore. Over a year of angry accusations, cruel words, spilled tears and trying to hold on to something that was long gone had drained them both. Sometimes love didn't conquer all, no matter how much you loved someone. As hard as they'd both tried to fight against their doomed fate, they now tried even harder to accept it. She stood a few feet away, her blond hair flying in the cold September wind, watching him load the last box into his backseat with a pained expression on her pale face. It was in that moment that she was struck with the fact that he was truly leaving. Leaving...

With one last long look at her and a brush of calloused finger tips across her cheek, her turned away and go into his car. A single tear escaped from her tired eyes as she stared after his taillights had already disappeared. She stood in the driveway for a long time, dreading going back into the big empty house that she'd shared with him for the past seven years. With a defeated sigh, her shoulders drooped in a gesture of defeat, she forced herself to go inside and face the loneliness she knew would surround her.

Later that night, awash with sorrow, she couldn't bare the thought of sleeping in the too big bed with out him beside her. She knew the empty space beside her would only loosen the already fragile hold she had on herself. Instead, she curled up on the couch, an old blanket wrapped tightly around her small, shaking frame. As she stared at the blank television screen and listened to the deafening silence, she finally let herself fall apart. Fat tears dripped down her porcelain skin and she tugged the fleece blanket tighter around herself, trying to warm herself against the coldness of being alone. The tears continued to fall, even after she finally fell into a fitful sleep, haunted by dreams of his face.

The next morning she was awoken by the streams of sunlight peaking out through the blinds as they hit her face. She rubbed the sleep from her swollen eyes and ran a hand through her knotted blond locks. With a heavy heart she made her way into the kitchen, forcing herself to make a pot of coffee. As much as she wanted to lie on the couch all day, huddled beneath a heap of blankets, there were things that needed to be done. She had work at ten, and afterwards she had to go to her parents for dinner. She knew that they would let her back out if they were aware that her husband had left her just last night, but she couldn't bring herself to tell them. Just one more thing on the list of failures that she had produced and she knew the look of disappointment that would show on their faces would be too much for her to handle. Rationally, she knew they would only be concerned about her, but rationality was not one of her strong points recently. Everything inside of her was such a jumbled mess that she could barely see straight. She went through the motions of preparing for the day, taking care in doing her hair and make-up, wanting to laugh at herself for how ridiculous she was truly being. Her husband had just left her and she was going on as if everything was normal. The only signs that anything was wrong were the bags beneath her eyes and the way her hands trembled continuously.

The ring of the telephone broke her from her stupor. She closed her puffy eyes for a moment, pushing aside the urge to let the machine get it. Her tiny fingers wrapped around the cordless phone and brought it to her ear as she pushed the answer button.

"Hello?" Her usually musical voice, came out flat and raspy, betraying her already.

There was pause on the other end and then his husky voice flowed through the receiver and into her delicate ear, "Hi Emma." She could scarcely breath upon hearing his voice. This was not something she had expected and she wasn't entirely sure that she could pretend that she was okay. The biggest part of her, the happiest part, had gone away; he had taken it with him. This man on the other end had crushed her heart and shattered her dreams. Through all of it, she still loved him passionately, unconditionally.

"What do you want, Sean?" She whispered it, afraid that this was just another fight waiting to happen. Her strength had been diminished, leaving only a weak shell of who she had been before. It was too soon for her to be talking to him; she knew it would always be too soon, no matter how much time passed.

"I just...I just wanted to check on you. I wanted to make sure you were okay," his words were laced with concern and that was the only reason she didn't scream at him right then and there. Instead, she paused, taking a deep breath and finally found the words that she needed him to hear.

"I...I couldn't sleep in our bed last night, it was too big...too empty without you there. I cried myself to sleep on the couch instead, where I slept terribly because I dreamt only of you. I didn't think it was possible after this past year, but my heart had broken a little more, crushed to dust at your feet. I hate that you left, but I hate even more that I know if you had stayed it would only have gotten worse. I just wish you could have loved me enough to try," her tears cascaded down her face as she spoke to him. What was left of her heart bruised a little more, causing a dull ache in her chest. He did not say anything, but she listened to his raspy breathing over the phone. She imagined him sitting on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest, leaning against a cold hotel bed as sandy blond curls fell into his sea-green eyes.

"I'll always love you, Em. It just...it just got too hard. After awhile it was like I couldn't breath anymore. I no longer knew the woman I woke up to each morning. Every day I searched your face for a flicker of the woman I married, but it was like...it was like you'd just disappeared. Somewhere between Manny dying and our problems starting you were lost to me. You weren't you anymore. After Manny died, the girl I loved wasn't there anymore," Sean's tortured explanation swam through the telephone line. Emma closed her eyes for a moment, forcing the memory of Manny away from her mind. Thinking of Manny was off-limits. It was a red zone that she didn't dare cross into.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Emma said urgently. He was wrong...so wrong. This wasn't her fault. He abandoned her, left her here to pick up the shattered remnants of her life.

With a sad sigh, Sean softly said, "Yes you do, Emma. You know you do. I thought all you needed was some time and you'd go back to being yourself. I understood that you were depressed, it's only natural. I'm not some monster who left you because you were grieving for a friend, Em. It's been two years since she died and you're still this other person. I'm married to a stranger and it's too hard to be with you, but never _really _be with you. I started missing you long before yesterday."

As tears began to fall, Emma realized he was right. She had changed. She wasn't the person she had been before Manny had left her to face this cold world alone. She wasn't the girl who saw the world behind rose-colored glasses. She was the girl who went through the motions, faking a smile every day. He'd tried to help her and she had pushed him away. She'd pushed away the only person who still loved her completely.

"I'm sorry," her words were almost inaudible, but he heard them and he knew the meaning behind them. He smiled sadly to himself, wishing that things could be different, but they couldn't be.

"So am I, Em. I hope you know that if you ever need me I'll always be here for you, but we just don't fit together anymore. We did, once, a long time ago. We, both, just need to remember those happy times and let go of the bad times," the finality in his words had her stomach seizing in terror. The urge to throw up suddenly came on full force, but she swallowed back the metallic taste in her mouth.

"I love you," she whispered, one last plea for him to come home. One last plea for them to try, even when she knew it was no longer an option for him.

"And I love you," he whispered back. The sound of a dial tone sounded in her ear and she set the phone down on the counter.

Yes, they still loved her, but did it really matter anymore? Sometimes life gets in the way of love and love doesn't conquer all. Sometimes...sometimes it was better just to cut your losses while you could. Sometimes it was easier to shut everyone out and live in a world of darkness. Chocolate eyes no longer sparkled and tears were always prominent in his sea-green. They were two halves of one hole and on their own neither was ever complete again.

But in this case love just wasn't enough.


	7. A Picture Says 1,000 Words

**_Disclaimer: _**_I own nothing._

_**Author's note: **This came to me when I found out that Sean joined the military. I hope you all enjoy it._

There had been innocence and youth. Sticky fingers laced together, as melting ice cream dripped down their hands on hot summer days. Quickly stolen kisses as crimson blushes rose on their flushed cheeks. Wake up midnight calls when memories of his absentee parents came at night and it was just all too much. Sneaking glances in class when neither thought the other was looking and small, sheepish smiles when they were caught. Bubbling laughter when they simply let themselves act like the children they'd been. Signed petitions that he didn't really care about, but did it for her anyways. The raised eyebrows of their friends when they saw them together for the first time, the bad boy and the good girl.

There were long stares, chocolate eyes melting further and further into troubled sea-green. Forgotten curfews as they were too wrapped up in each other to notice the rest of the world. Double-cheese pizza ordered as they watched sappy romance movies that always made her cry as he rolled his eyes at the main characters, but secretly loved every one of the movies she made him watch.

A furious shove that sent her sprawling on green grass and the fear that had risen within her. Guilt rising within when he thought he was no better than his alcoholic father. Hard glares as he tried to talk to her, tried to apologize for something he'd never meant to do. Raging temper as he punched a hole through his wall when months later she still wouldn't spare him a single word. Fevered kisses with another girl as she was in the next room. Watching with sorrowful eyes as tears fell like rain from her eyes and she buried her face into Toby's shoulder.

Frizzy, permed hair that stuck out on all ends as she stood breathless in front of him. Words spilling from her lips of messing up and butting in to other people's business, but he knew she only did it because she cared more than most. Hard words that he spoke to protect himself, but she simply apologized and re-invited him to the wedding. The look of "don't go there" when he'd asked her about her hair.

The moment she saw him standing against the lone tree, staring at her from a distance. Shoes held in her hands as she walked barefoot towards him, youthful hope rising inside of her. Fumbled words and clumsy hands reaching out to dance, mindful only of themselves. A kiss that lit her insides on fire like molten lava and the belief that nothing would ever go wrong again.

Protective arms holding her small frame when she found out the truth about her long-absentee father. Calloused finger-tips brushing away the tears that coated her face. Strong fear and sadness held inside of her as she tried to remain strong, but he could always see the truth behind her masked features. Refusal to let him see her weakness when she struggled to hold it all together when her step-father got sick. Baby-sitting and hospital rooms as he sat at home desperately trying to get a hold of her by telephone. Angry words spit out from resentment after another day of being left on the sidelines as she played the role of nurse, babysitter, environmental crusader, but never just his girlfriend.

Standing by as his friends tore her to shreds. Angry stares and hard glares as they passed each other in the hallway. Tear-filled mocha eyes when she witnessed him making out with his skanky girlfriend in the back of the classroom. Psycho revenge days. Detention she'd help him get that introduced him to a pale redhead with scars on her arms. Refusal to admit that she'd never gotten over him, would never get over him as she watched him every day with smiles on his face, fingers laced with another girl. Losing herself to empty popularity and forgotten causes. Crusading against Rick with the older kids, the popular crowd that she'd never cared about before. Finding herself again when his eyes had looked on her with disdain as he realized she wasn't the same person he'd known.

A gun pointed at her face, his hand protectively gripping her arm as he tried to reason with her assailant. A whir or sound and movement as her feet stayed planted to the ground in fear. Panic rising within when she'd thought that he'd been shot and relief when she heard him speak and stand. Shaking as he ran to her, arms holding her tight whispering in her ear that everything was okay now. Laying her head on his shoulder and smelling in the sweetness of stale tobacco and cologne that she'd missed so much.

Forgiveness when he'd apologized for the cruelness he'd directed at her. Hope that he realized she was the one he wanted. Anger and understanding when he'd stayed with his parents. Numb when she knew he wouldn't be coming back. Lonely nights crying for him, missing him. Longing to hear his voice, needing to be held by him. Sneaking out to the ravine to be with the only person that reminded her of him. Regret at what she'd done. Fear that he would somehow find out. Fear that he wouldn't care if he did.

Reaching out for a hand to hold, but meeting only air. Struggling to hold on to the image of who she was and failing miserably. Needing him. He's not there. Hating him. Wishing he'd call. Loving him. Trying desperately to forget him. Impossible.

Shock and sadness when she saw him again, mixed with happiness and hope. Forgetful of a boyfriend she had standing beside her. Wishing the boyfriend would vanish into thin air. Building a wall around herself, fearful to let him back in to her heart. Scared of the hurt and pain he'd caused her before, knowing he'd cause it again. Walls crumbling as she realized she couldn't forget him, couldn't keep him out of her heart because he'd never truly left. Racing from school to visit him in jail, always thinking that an hour a week would never be enough time. Praying he wouldn't slip from her grasp this time.

Not so sticky fingers laced together once more. Laughter and life shining in her eyes again for the first time in years. Love lost, but found once more. Never letting go again. Late night talks and getting to know each other again. Realizing both had changed, but would always stay the same as well. A lost little boy and sad little girl finding happiness as the man and woman they were becoming together. SeanandEmma. EmmaandSean. Always. Forever.

Her fingers gripped the photograph tightly as she stood on the hard pavement. The promise ring he'd given her glinting in the harsh sunlight. Trying to remember that he'd said they would always be together. He'd come back for her. Tears fell on the glossy paper as she watched his bus drive away, one last glimpse of his face in the window. She stared down once more at the picture she held, taken the day of their first date, and sighed. It was slightly frayed and crinkled from when she crushed it and thrown it against the wall. But she'd kept it. The only one she'd kept from those early days.

They say a picture says a 1,000 words, this one said more.


	8. Stale Smoke & Whisky

_**Disclaimer: **I do not own Degrassi or it's characters._

_**Author's note: **This is my first Alex fic. Jalex. Please review.  
_

* * *

Stale smoke and whisky. At thirteen Alex Nunez knows her life will always be filled with stale smoke and whisky. She stands in an old alley way, passing a stolen cigarette between herself and Jay, catching whiffs of sweet whisky on his breath. He seemed to steal drinks from his dad's bottle quite a bit lately. She thought maybe it had something to do with the new bruises slowly healing on his young face. She knew all about bruises and cuts. She knew all about "being clumsy" and angrily turning away when someone else questioned just a little too much for comfort. It was what her life had always been like, would probably always be like. 

"Did you manage to get any weed off Skinny?" Alex asked Jay, absently. It really didn't matter to her too much, except that if her mother's boyfriend decided to use her as a punching bag tonight it might lessen the pain a little. When Jay shook his head no, she simply leaned up against the brick wall and sighed. Guess she'd just have to deal with the pain for tonight anyways.

"He says it's pretty dry lately," Jay replied shortly, taking another long drag off their shared cigarette. Alex just shrugged, keeping a bored expression on her young face. She was a pretty girl, long black hair, eyes as dark as night and a thin build. It was only when someone looked in her eyes that the slight chill ran up their spine. They weren't the eyes of a thirteen year old girl, they were the eyes of someone far older than that. She'd had to grow up fast in the kind of life she'd been dealt. She'd seen things that would make her classmate's skin crawl and had done things even worse. She wasn't a bad kid, but she had to survive somehow didn't she? If she didn't steal all the time, how the hell would she ever get the clothes on her back or food in her belly? It wasn't like her mom would ever get a job.

"You goin' home tonight, Lex?" Jay's words broke her from her thoughts. She turned her gaze to his face, taking note of the way he was trying to keep his hopefulness hidden.

"Probably. Don't want to give the bastard another reason to beat the crap outta my mom. Besides I've stayed at your place the last three nights. She might be worried," Alex said, knowing that her mother wouldn't be worried. Her mother probably hadn't even noticed she wasn't at home.

"Why do you still fucking care, Lexi? It's not like she does," he snarled at her. If she hadn't know the reason for his bitterness, Alex probably would have broken his nose. But she knew, even if no one else did how incredibly protective he was of her. They were two halves of one soul and she was the only good thing in his life, as he was in hers.

"Why do you?"

"I fuckin' don't," came Jay's short reply, averting his eyes quickly.

"Yeah, right. Every night you go home and bandage her wounds. And the few times your deadbeat dad isn't already passed out, he beats the shit out of you for it. Your ma don't give a shit about you, anymore than my does, but you keep doing it. Don't ask me why I still care because you know why," Alex ranted at him. He just stared hard at her for what seemed like forever and then his shoulders slumped and his expression grew defeated.

"God, Lex, we're pathetic," he said softly, staring out into the night sky.

"We have us, Jay. We've always had us. Not many people can say they've been friends since they were five," she grinned at him, letting herself lean against his shoulder. Casually, he slipped his arm around her, holding her a little closer.

"If Ted starts anything tonight I want you to come over, okay?" Jay questioned, but it came out more like a command. Alex didn't mind though. She knew it was only because he cared about her.

"Promise," she whispered. Wondering at the way he was looking down at her. His piercing blue eyes were staring at her deep brown, as if he was looking into her very soul. She barely noticed when his face came closer, barely a centimeter away from hers. When he raised a single eyebrow at her, then pressed his lips to hers, she felt as if she were floating. His lips were soft, the whisky sweet as he kissed her ever so gently. No boy had ever kissed her this way before. It had always been rough hands and forced lips, her wrists held down above her head so she couldn't get away. But with Jay she felt safe, protected. With Jay she knew everything would be alright.

When he finally pulled away all she could do was stare up at him, surprise lingering on her face. When he just shrugged and pulled the last of their secret stash of cigarettes out of his pocket, Alex let herself smile to herself. It was just like Jay to down play everything. They finished off the cigarette and then he walked her home, kissing her once more before she went inside her run-down apartment.

There was never a word spoken about it, but from then on they were a couple. Somehow, she didn't so much mind the smell of stale smoke and whisky anymore.


	9. Run Away Little Girl

_**Disclaimer:**I don't own Degrassi...or Sean...sigh..._

* * *

He says he loves you and you want to believe him. So bad. So bad. 

But the words sound dry and empty as they make their way through the telephone line and into your ear. You can hear voices in the background, male...maybe one female, but you can't be sure. You don't ask, even though it's killing you inside not to know, because you won't be _that girl_. You won't be the clingy, jealous girlfriend..._ex-girlfriend_. Ex. You seem to forget that a lot lately. You are an ex now. Again. Is this how it will always be?

Your choice.

You have to remind yourself that it was your choice. You told him that you didn't want to be with him anymore. Have you ever told a bigger lie? _College. Military. Separate. Different paths. _He keeps talking, seemingly unaware of the fact that your world crumbles around you every time you hear his voice. You rest a hand on your slightly expanding stomach and wish, not for the first time, that you hadn't lied about the baby. No one knows. You told yourself that if you were going to follow through on this deception, then you wouldn't tell anyone else either, not even Manny. You wonder sometimes if he suspects.

You chatter away at him, forcing a happiness into your voice that you do not feel as you slowly place the rest of your things in a single suitcase. You will be a cliche in the end, a cliche that you fought so hard to escape. Born to a teenage mother, becoming a teenage mother. But your mother graduated. Your mother finished school. You will not.

You told your parents that you are going to visit him for the weekend. (It will buy you the time you need to get away. Far, far away. Gone before they even realize it.) You said that you just needed to see him. You missed him. At least that part was true. You miss him like you've never missed anything in your life and you hate yourself for lying to him. Lies you know he will never forgive you for, if he were to find out. He won't find out.

_Run away little boy._ Now you are the one running.

You sit on your bed, clutching the phone in your hand as if it is your only life-line, drinking up every last word that he is saying. He laughs and a tear trickles down your pale cheek. He is talking, but you don't hear the words. It all seems to unreal. So...so...so..._unfair._ You almost blurt it out then, but you swallow the words back.

You're doing this for him.

He deserves a future. He deserves so much more than a pregnant teenage girlfriend to tie him down. At least you can give him this. You can let him have his future, never knowing about the child he helped to create. He says something and then pauses and you think maybe you're supposed to respond so you give a noncommittal "uh huh". You're surprised when he laughs and asks you if you were even paying attention. You force lightness into your speech as you tell him you must have gotten distracted by the cartoons that are on the television.

I love you.

He says it again and you can't hold back the cascade of tears any longer. A single tear turns into thousands and you don't think you can breath. He asks if you're okay and all you can do is nod, forgetting that he can't see you. He asks again and you realize your mistake and sputter out a small yes.

He doesn't believe you.

That's when you start laughing. You laugh at the absurdity of your situation. You laugh at your own stupidity. You laugh at the fact that he still loves you, will always love you and you are throwing his love away. You laugh because you love him and you told him you didn't.

You hear the worry in his voice, but you still can do nothing but this...this...this _thing_ that is stuck somewhere between a laugh and a sob. Somehow you manage to sputter out a broken _I love you. I'm sorry. _The next thing he hears is the dial tone as your press the end button on your phone.

You pick up your suitcase and leave the only home you have ever known. Memories slide in and out of focus as you walk the short distance to the bus station, then buy a ticket to somewhere as far away as you can afford. Five minutes after you buy the ticket you don't even remember where you're going.

You let the bus lead you away.


End file.
